I believe the children are my future. I do. When I’m old, my kids are going to support me. Until then, I have to put up with a lot of their crap.

Over the holiday vacation I compiled a short list of…

Things You’ll Never Hear Parents Saying to Their Kids:

1. I sure wish you’d cry more.
2. Please make a bigger mess when you eat.
3. Thanks for wearing that same pair of underwear (or socks, shirt, pants) all week.
4. Can’t you be louder? It’s too quiet around here!
5. Sure you can have my credit card and buy that $120 Nintendo ds.
6. Go ahead and tease the dog with your face, hand, or dangly bits.
7. I really want to know why you’re whining.
8. Of course I’ll clean your room for you.
9. Oh, goody, you’re sick again!
10. Thank goodness it’s finally summer vacation!
11. I’m happy to wipe up around the toilet where you missed (the next two relate quite a bit to this one).
12. I’m glad you didn’t put the toilet seat up when you were draining the lizard because I like sitting in pee.
13. I’m having another boy? Woohoo!
14. Yes, you may mix those chemicals together.
15. Feel free to play with my crystal glasses.
16. You want to build a catapult? Awesome! Let me know how I can help (oh, wait. My husband said this to my middle child).
17. Please, more fart jokes. I just can’t get enough (actually, I can’t. It’s very sad).

Feel free to add some phrases. I will give you credit however you want me to.

Until next week…Be afraid, be very afraid (Wednesday Addams).